in the morning hours

my ability to speak with conviction and coherence, never one of my strongest skills, has been below par even for me as of late. my words, rather than simply getting stuck in the back of my throat, now seem to get stuck at the top of my throat, the bottom of my brain, that in-between place so trapped that i can't even string the words together in my head, let alone in my mouth.

i'm sorry for the inadequacy of my words, for the way i ramble instead of speaking with substance, the way i take ages to formulate a response, the way i hide my inability to speak behind blank stares or, worse still, forcedly cute mannerisms. i don't know what causes the block between my brain and my tongue, nor why i can - when i want to - write with such grace and power, but my spoken words are always fumbling, weak, and insufficient. as frustrating, annoying, and sometimes perhaps even hurtful as it may be to others, it is at least as much, if not more so, embarassing and frustrating and shameful to me. i am humiliated by my inability to speak my thoughts, feelings, and ideas in any graceful or sensical fashion.

please know that my lack of words is in no way a reflection of my heart. what i feel and think and wish i could tell you is so much deeper and makes so much more sense and has so much more value than what i actually say. and i don't know how to fix that. it feels like my slightly crooked spine or my blind-as-a-bat eyesight - something inherently part of me that i cannot change. i will never have a very flexible spine, i will never have 20/20 vision, and sometimes i think that i will never be able to speak my mind and heart well to anyone except the smallest number of people who, for whatever reason, make it easier for the words to come out. but even then, there is not a single person to whom i have always spoken clearly, strongly, and truly all at once. with everyone, even brian, there are times my words cannot be spoken aloud.

it's not for lack of love that i'm so silent, and that what i actually do say is so trite. i can't explain why this happens, but please know, i mean so much more than i say.

i have utterly wasted my evening.

you don't really know me but i find you intriguing.

forgot the other thing i wanted to say.

and also, my heart keeps trying to be springtime. autumn hearts and springtime hearts are not the same. i have this vague memory of someone telling me that spring is a strange time for me in a slightly negative way. i cannot remember if this actually happened or if it was a dream; if it actually happened, i can't remember who said it. it's true that spring is a strange time for me, but i don't think it's in a bad way. just a strange one.

my heart feels so light. it is quite nice.

just haven't felt like writing here lately. but i am:

. working on my senior project, which is excellent
. and consequently finding a new hero in eleonora duse
. working on what is probably going to end up being the most influential show i've ever done
. having stomach-aches all the time
. longing for winter, snow, sledding, and hot soup every day for lunch
. reading tons of shakespeare
. actually getting my work almost always done ahead of time


and i would like to apologize to tony kushner, the world in general, and jeff cordell for ever doubting this play's worth. it is fantastic. nearly all i ever want to do is be in rehearsal. i've been in shows i've loved, and i've loved characters i've played, but only in the sense that you love a work of writing or a literary character. this show - i can't really communicate how much it means to me, and i don't think i want to. i love her, and all of it. it is really quite remarkable.

yesterday i bought many yards of pretty cotton fabrics; today i bought two pretty patterns to make dresses and skirts and blouses. i probably won't be able to make them until i get back down to school, but i'm so very excited.

a good productive day. slept in late (due to staying up stupidly late last night) and putzed a few hours after waking, but then i washed the kitchen walls and floor, vacuumed the house, cleaned the bathroom, showered up, and picked my sister up from work. and ate a huge salad. mmm.

am doing my best to chin up and keep a positive attitude. i've been slipping down a bit the past few weeks for numerous reasons. it's not so serious that i can't fend it off with a little effort, so i'm trying.

still. i'll feel much, much better in nine days, and even more so in eighteen days. though i have so much to do in these last two-and-a-half weeks, it's almost overwhelming. at least it'll keep me busy.


i think i will go make dinosaur cookies.

( so i went on a picnic last week. )



also, i really like my boyfriend. "i miss you like a nazi peace rally misses the point." oh b. come home soon so we can stay up late watching geeky television and playing board games.

spending a lot of time missing a lot of people. fortunately this summer has been passing fairly quickly. if only the next five weeks would feel like five days.

been missing london. i don't know why. general wanderlust, maybe, or cabin fever. i'm growing tired of sitting in the same spot every day, of not having anywhere to go. i've been driving when i can (finally learning, jeez louise) and taking walks, but it's not really enough.

and i always seem to be tired for no good reason.

let's see if i can go seventeen days without eating a lick of refined sugar.

craving:

. hiking and camping
. sewing a dress for myself
. water - all the time
. pizza, wine, and led zeppelin date with b.
. the oatmeal bread that's almost ready to go in the oven
. a silk slip to wear under summer dresses

let's have breakfast in bed.

things i like:
. lightly sauteed yellow onions
. hot showers
. plain white walls (a perfect canvas for a room)
. cats curled up on my tummy and chest
. not having head-aches
. daisies
. the chance i'll get to see b. tomorrow
. sleepily waking to daylight through the curtains
. dancing
. hula-hooping
. cutting up vegetables

i should like to make for myself the simplest of breezy summer house-dresses.

and then learn to either knit or crochet like i keep saying i will but never actually do. or at least make a quilt.

i've been tearing apart my room and making it better. was going to continue doing so tonight, but then my cold attacked again and made me feel like a sore-throated skeleton, so now i am sitting on my bum farting around on the internet, drinking cups of chicken broth and craving chocolate (which would not help at all).

but here's something new:



ugh, this cold. my mother says three days coming, three days staying, three days going. if that's so, then today is only the first day of it staying. ugh ugh ugh.

today:
. a banana, two slices rye toast with black cherry preserves, breakfast tea with milk
. another banana
. hot water with honey
. apple grain-bar
. braised cod with celery, onion, garlic, tomato, and green olive over brown rice
. vanilla almond tea with rice milk, angel food cake


a modest appetite today. but oh it feels so good to prepare my food with my own hands, and to only eat when i'm actually hungry, and to only eat just enough to no longer be hungry. exactly as much as my body needs. it's a marvelous feeling.

should have had more veggies, though. alas.

the weather is lulling me. all i want to do is lie outside in the shade or nap on my bed with the windows open.

i am becoming more responsible. in the past two weeks, all my assignments have been done on time. often this has involved staying up far far far too late, but they're getting done, and right now that's the important thing. i think if i just hold on and breathe i will make it through this week and actually get done all the things i need to do.


elsewhere i am financially irresponsible and a burden to my parents, what's new. i need a job for the summer. i need a hair-cut. i need a life. i also really wish i hadn't sent most of my dresses home with my parents a week ago because now i'm yearning for them. oh well. i'll wear these two over and over.

cried too much this past week-end and ate too much junk food (pizza three times in two days, oh my goodness). but it's beautiful outside and i am loved and full of love and he talks about the future too so there's no way i can be afraid that it's just me (i know it isn't, but i'm very good at getting afraid about things that i know aren't even true). things are good when i just stop and breathe.

summer intentions:

. spend more time with KT, shanonanon, kristin, barbara, ryan, and all the other home-friends with whom i've fallen out of touch.
. get my driver's license.
. learn to tie various knots.
. thrift furniture and refurbish it.
. sewing projects. a small simple quilt or two, a bag or two, altering some dresses, converting old t-shirts into aprons, etc.
. i also fancy making new garments from deconstructed thrifted garments. recyling things in general is a theme for the summer.
. try new recipes, esp. breads.
. try to cut out commercial/processed foods entirely.

of course i also need an internship somewhere if i ever want to graduate. we'll see how that goes.

my ideal summer would include work at huron. this would mean i'd still have some free time in the summer (the huron working season is only june 8th to august 3rd) to do all those things in the previous list. it would also mean i'd be earning money and NOT spending it on housing or food, since huron supplies that. granted it is a beastly workload with cramped living conditions and little privacy, but it's a pre-professional program that i think would be very beneficial to me right now, and quite frankly i really really need money to start saving for when i graduate. and huron would put a cool grand in my pocket. i'm pretty sure that door is already closed, so i'm looking into other things, but i'm keeping my fingers crossed that perhaps they simply haven't made all their decisions yet and i may get an offer yet. i hope i hope i hope.

although if i did have to go somewhere else, i might end up living on my own somewhere. i'd need my parents' support financially, which is part of why i want to avoid this, but it would be so nice to have a little place of my own, even if just a little room for a couple months in the summer.



also, i like papaya. mmm.

sara likes imaginary bands. some of her favorite names are: the wawa caca ratio. captain geech and the shrimp shack shooters. avocado gelato. loveburger. everybody gets laid. doctor funke's 100% natural good time family band solution. if i had an imaginary band, i would call it shapely sheep. or emily dickinson goes to mars. that's a lie - i don't know what i would call it. i suppose it doesn't matter because it's imaginary, though perhaps imaginary things are what matter the most.

it's spring. spring makes me itch in my own skin and yearn for things that i am not and have not. lately all, all, all i can think about is my own apartment with clean white walls and windows letting in plenty of light, the foods i wish i were eating, the clothes i wish i were wearing, the work i wish i were doing. i want to gut my wardrobe and find second-hand clothing to wear instead of what i have now. i want to go about barefoot and ignore my classes and cook my own food and eat almost nothing but fruits and vegetables. i want to cut my hair and go on adventures and drink too much and dance and stay up too late. all the wildthing gypsy nonsense that i always want in spring.

but i settle for sleeping in a dress and ignoring my schoolwork. which is becoming a problem, by the way.



spoke with steve yesterday about next year's senior capstone. i may consider a performance of the belle of amherst. i've never read it, but i'll probably be doing a one-woman show, and emily dickinson has always intrigued me.

the old carpet store is now a thrift store.

plan:
. launder all clothing
. sort clothing
. put some clothes in bags
. donate bags to thrift store

next plan:
. find sweaters and dresses at thrift store



also, as of late i want curly hair.